Grandma and the Fights

Around the time I developed an interest in boxing after the 1976 Summer Olympics, the topic of fighting came up. All kinds of fighting. Grandma found it interesting that I developing this interest in boxing. Eventually, when talking about fighting, Grandma's mind wandered to the kind of fighting she knew. Like when her sister-in-law was mad at her and my Grandpa and didn't talk to them for a bit. Or fighting with my Grandpa if the issue warranted it in her mind. But Grandma wasn't a fighter, she said. And as I grew up, I think I formed the opinion that she was an avoider, as I like to call some people. Avoid the people and the issue, avoid the fight.

Grandma sometimes talked about how she and her first husband never fought. She found that so romantic that they were always moving in the same direction and that they didn't need to fight. She said their romance was so easy; they mutually looked forward to their quick wedding and honeymoon, and  they always got a long very well. She said she had no problem going along with most of the things he wanted or chose. By the time the infidelities started, however, she started realizing that not speaking up was an issue, that it was she who'd always gone along, and it felt like it was too late to change that. While Grandma was never a woman of conflict, she did learn to speak up for herself when it meant that much to her.

Her lesson in this story was this, she said: She (and my mother after her) always said that if a couple never fights, it simply means that one person gives in most of the time and that the other person isn't considering his or her feelings. Over time, it wears down the person who gives in with resentment, and the other person ends up not having respect for the person who never stands up for himself or herself. And without trust and respect in a relationship. you can't have true love and friendship.

 Grandma said it applies to all relationships in some form; I agree. It doesn't mean you have to duke it out daily; it does mean that you should expect healthy conflict in a true relationship. Fight it out, figure it out, compromise, and move on. Words to live by.